Sunday, September 9, 2012

FACT: FOOTBALL PLAYERS LIVE LONGER THAN BASEBALL PLAYERS

It is 10 am.  The Convention Center opens at noon.  Customers, (Isn't everybody a customer?), will talk, ask questions, and a few will make deals.  A large banner hangs overhead;  National R.I.P Expo.  'Let this be a killer year.'

  And they come from all over the country;  Casket Builders, Urn Makers, Body Parts Harvesters.  You name it.  Even an author who writes humorous sympathy cards.  They're all here to show their wares.

Two men meet in the middle of an aisle.

"Hi, Wesson Reaper.  How're you doing.  Call me Wes."

"Hi Wes.  Smitty," says Smitty.  They shake hands.  "Smith Grimm, really, but it's Smitty."  He looks down the aisle.  "Wow. Place is huge.  All these booths.  This is my first Expo."

"Oh, I've been to a lot of these.  When I got out of school, I did construction, hammer banger, doing whatever, mostly furniture.  Then with a friend, we build this coffin.  We sold it to a Funeral Home the next day, at five times what it cost. So we opened a casket company.  That was thirty five years ago. Been building and selling these things ever since."

The sign over his booth. 'Reaper Casket Co., Fine Pine for the End of the Line.' 

"Kinda the same with me," says Grimm. "I'm used to build caskets, but selling them, hanging around in a monkey suit, trying to be all heartfelt got old.   All I wanted to do was make pots.  I sold one as an urn, and well, talk about a mark up.  So I kept at it. "

Grimm points to his Booth. 'Grimm's Urns, LLC.  Once you Burn, You'll need my Urn.'   "I'm looking for new ways to advertise.  You know, get people to know I exist."

"We've been opening up new markets ourselves.  A report came out a few months ago, all statistics.  I don't know if you saw it?   The "Mere Mortals," by Bill Barnwell.  He showed how NFL Football players live longer than MLB Baseball players.  So we're sponsoring a Little League Team."  His voice is lower, and he moves closer. "Start them young, so they'll be our customers sooner.  Harvard Business School 101. Yeah?"

"Well, yeah, hate to say it, but yeah," says Grimm. "Our business needs grieving relatives."

Reaper smiles.  "That's right. We're even thinking of starting a Pee-Wee Baseball League.  Two to five year olds. It's good business."

"So, Little League, huh?"

"Yeah, since Baseball players are dying sooner, let's help the along."  They laugh.

A young lady in a tight black skirt struts by, carrying somebody's left arm, wrapped in Saran Wrap.  "Hey, guys.  Getting ready for a big day?"  She puts the arm under her other arm and sticks out her hand.  "Calamity,  Calamity Doom."

"We were just discussing the Mere Mortals Report," says Grimm.  "Football players living longer than Baseball players.  Have you read it?"

"Oh, yeah," she says.  "We looked into that study.  We thought contact Football would be a place for our advertising, but then we analyzed his statistics very closely."
 
She points with the Saran Wrapped Left Arm.  "Come on, I got it at my booth."

Her booth borders theirs.  A Black and Blue sign, 'ArmsLegsFeet.com.   All in the name of Science.'  hangs from wires, along with tin arms and legs, hooked to a metal torso.

"I sell body parts,"  says Calamity. "What they do with them after that, I don't care.  They can feed them to their cats, for all I care."

She opens a large loose-leaf notebook.  "Here."  She points.  "'The Mere Mortals Thesis.'"

"They took MLB and NFL players from 1959 to 1988, who played for five years. Guy's results were  Baseball players died sooner than Football player.  Well, we checked it out, and they don't die any sooner.  We found that Baseball players played longer, and were older during the 29 years tested.  After doing some research, they all live about the same age, except NFL Football players complain more about aches and pains than the Baseball players.  But who cares about Quality of Life.  It's the Loss of Limb Rate.  That's what I'm after?"

"So," says Reaper.  "Trying to encouraging kids to play football, won't make much difference?"

"This report is all wrong," she says.  She taps the notebook with the Left Arm.  "Guy used something called Advanced Metrics?  Look, forget this.  Just concentrate your efforts on...and I say this...just between us...a more violent society.  I like cage fighting, talk about brutality."

She straightens the display of quart jars on her table; jars full of fingers and toes, and is that a...?"

"Better yet," she says, scratching her back with the Left Arm.  "I'm pushing Government Deregulation as much as possible.  No EPA, no FDA, no OSHA.  Cut funds for Police or Fire.  Let everybody Bare Arms.  It's their right.  And Junk Food. Let them eat it 'til they're blue in the face.  That way we'll never have a shortage of bodies parts...or customers for you guys, either."

An over weight security guard bellies up to the booth, and points to the sign. "How much do you pay for parts?" he asks, flexing his right hand, and wiggling his fingers.  "I'm way behind in my mortgage, and I was wondering...could I...?"

Grimm and Reaper wave to Calamity, letting her get back to business, and stroll over toward their booths. 

"I'll have to re-read that report," says Reaper . "Maybe it's some phony study done by the NFL because they have all these law suits against them.  Makes it look like Football players live longer?"

"This deregulation thing sounds better to me," says Grimm. "Less safety regs sure can't hurt. Why didn't I think about that.  Hey...you want some lunch?  Get something, a Hot Dog and maybe a Coke before the crowds show up?"

"Well, I'm on this longevity diet." says Reaper.  "I'm thinking a salad; Collard greens, Swiss chard, Green beans.  Maybe some Tofu..."
.................................
HELP COMES FROM:

The Mere Mortals Blog.  Grantland.com/story/_/id/8274392/comparing-mortality-rates-football-baseball,
deadspin.com/5940716/are-football-players-really-living-longer,
boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=533681,
Google/Images,  Readabilityformulas.com/

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