"Please. You got to be kidding me. You want to do it in a Drive Thru?" asks Stella."Sure, babe," says Stanley. "You said YES. So. Why not?"
"I was thinking more, you know, like I'd be wearing a white dress, and well, my sister would be here with champagne, and I'd have somebody to give me away." She looks out the window. "Not this?"
The sign on the side of the small building says, 'Welcome to Vegas. Time 1:05 am. Temp 114 degrees.'
Stanley negotiates the U-Drive, and pulls the F-100 up to the Menu Board. It gives prices. Regular, (for the Veteran). Special, (for the Second or Third Timer). Deluxe, (for all you Newbies).
Stanley speaks into a plastic Wedding Cake.
"Hey, what's the difference between the regular and the special...you know...besides the price..."
"We throw in flowers." says a tired voice. "It's a good deal, really."
"We'll take it." says Stanley.
"Flowers? Hope they're roses, not lilies," says Stella.
"We gotta get this over with quick, 'cause I gotta catch a plane."
She looks over. " A what? You're leaving me...a plane? What's going on here, Stanley?"
"Stella, honey, I told you. I'm in the Olympics. Shot Putter. I told you, remember?"
"You're a big guy, but I thought it was just a line, to get me in the sack. After fifteen, sixteen tequila shots, I tend to forget...UMMPH!"
A tremendous jolt shakes them both. A huge black SUV with shaded windows slams into their rear, rocking the chassis.
Up front another SUV, in reverse, roars backwards toward them. It skids to within a hair.
"We're trapped. What is going on?" says Stanley.
The Reverend, in pajamas, sticks his head out the 'Pick-Up' Window. "You seem to be in some trouble, son? Sure you're not already married?"
Men in black suits, dark glasses, stern faces, jump out of the SUV's, wildly waving badges, Helter-Skelter.
"Mr. Kowalski? Stanley Kowalski? Come with us, now, please." U.S.A.D.A. on his cap.
"He's ours. We were here first." says the other. He wares W.A.D. on his cap. "I got my cup right here." He waves a Dixie Cup.
"Hey guys," says Stanley. "This is really a bad time. Can't you see? I'm getting married here."
"What...is...going...on...Stanley? This is getting scary. Tell me you're not mixed up in drugs." She slaps her forehead. "I fell for a drug dealer. This isn't happening." She opens her door. "I can't do this." Her breathing is heavy.
"Wait. Stella. It's a drug check, sweety. Nothing to worry about. I'm clean."
"It was too good to be true. I knew it." She's out the door.
"Stella. Steeellllaaaa!"
"Come on Stan," says W.A.D. "You knew this was coming. You could be on the operating table, past out drunk, or in a coma. You get tested. We have no choice. You want a clean Olympics, you have to have surprise drug tests. We had an old marathoner who was ready to be cremated, but we did the test. Who knew, he could wake up. You never know."
"Sweetie." Stanley waves to her. "I gotta go with these guys. I'm really sorry." He squeezes out the door. He spots the Reverend in his pajamas. "Got a bathroom in this place."
He points toward the mountains. "The Shell Station at the corner. Hey, you coming back soon, 'cause we got this Sunrise Elvis Theme reception..."
"Official business, Sir," says W.A.D., plastic cup in one hand, badge in the other. "Unless you want to impede an official investigation."
"Dearly Beloved! No way I'm going to jail." He jumps back, palms up.
Stella runs off toward the street, chased after by the U.S.A.D.A.
The W.A.D. suit yells. "I'll get samples for the both of us. I'll buy him a beer if he needs it."
U.S.A.D.A. waves, then darts after Stella. "Ma'am...come back...Mrs. Kowalski...Miss... Mrs.... whatever. Please stop. Let me explain."
She stops and turns around. "What's to explain. Why do I always fall for losers?"
"Ma'am. You got Stanley all wrong. He's an Olympian. A Shot Putter. We have to test him for performance enhancing drugs, that all. Human Growth Hormones. Doping."
"So," says Stella. "He was telling me the truth. Guys coming up to me all the time, all kinds of stories, me pole dancing eight times a week, twice on Sunday. But Stanley..." She looks toward the far mountains. "He was different." She blinks.
"The count down for London started last July. I'm with the U. S. Anti-Doping Agency. The other guy is with the World Anti-Doping Agency. Every potential Olympian has to be in the drug-testing pool for at least one year before the Games. I did LaBron last week. They have to strip down right in front of you and you have to watch them...
"Well...we can't have any cheating, now can we? The credibility of the Olympic Games is at stake. This is very important."
"So Stanley isn't a scumbag." she says, a smiles on his face.
"Every athlete gives us what's called a Whereabouts. It tells us where they are. And an hour window for testing. We make surprise tests, any day we want. We have about the same power as a bounty hunter. Stanley told us he'd be here in Vegas, and he gave us a midnight to one o'clock time for testing.
"If he misses three tests in an 18 month period, he's suspended from competition for two years. We don't want that."
"So Stanley's not a drug dealer?" says Stella, tears in her eyes.
"Last night he told us he might be getting married. He was real good about that." He laughs. "We surprised one pole vaulter at a hotel in Kansas City, in bed with a hook...er...well.
"We had one guy, a diver. A surprise exam, so we go to his house, find out he's at the hospital with kidney stones. You never heard such crazy screaming in your life. No blood test, had to be Pee." The man laughs again. "We let him take the test the next day."
"So Stanley's not going to prison." says Stella, her arms in the air.
"And we keep the samples, whether its Pee or Blood, for eight years. We're just about finished checking the 2004 Olympics for any problems. Dopers we didn't have the technology to catch back then.
"Right now we're looking at this 16-year-old woman Chinese swimmer, Ye Shiwen, who swam faster than the male world record holder at the same distance. Very interesting. It never ends for us."
Then Stella spots Stanley coming around the F-100.
He sees her.
The chaplain, head out the window, "Stanley Kowalski do you take Stella..."
"I do! I do!" He runs toward her.
"And do you, Stella..."
"I do! I do!" She runs toward him.
They Collide like Fireworks.
The two Doping Officials, snap lids on their plastic Dixie Cups, check their GPS, wave, and screech off after their next assignment.
"So...With the power invested in me by the Great State of Nevada, I pronounce you husband and wife. So...Congratulations. Please, just pay at the window here. And remember, cash only. We don't take checks."
................................
Help comes from:
msnbc.msn.com/id/48438898#.UBneg6Adxdg, readabilityformulas.com,
cnn.com/2012/08/01/sport/olympics-drugs-pound-shiwen/index.html,
i4u.com/2012/08/jonathan-weber/testing, Olympics/WikiPedia, thesaurus.com/
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