LET'S BUY THE REDSKINS

Man in a terry cloth robe sits on the roof, beside the Casino's pool.  He looks toward the sky, and blows smoke from a cigar.

Another man waves and walks onto the deck. "Hampton, you look comfortable."

"Newport. Come. Sit. Get some sun."

The man hobbles over to a nearby chair.

"Just get some steam?" says Hampton,

"Yeah, the closest I get to hot nowadays is that steam room."

They both laugh, their bellies jiggle.

Hampton watches two young ladies, naked, swim in the pool. He sighs heavily.  Well, they're almost naked.

"Yeah," he says. "It's been boring ever since my daddy gave me my first office building 40 years ago. Now I've got too many to count."

"Me too," says Newport. "Real estate's been good for both of us, yeah?" 

"We gotta find something exciting to do, you know.  We gotta get lives." says Hampton

"All I got to look forward to is another hip replacement. Uggg.  My Doctor, young guy, says
he wants to put me on marijuana treatment for my glaucoma.  Smoke a joint twice a day,
he says.  What the hell is this world coming to?  Doctor's now your drug dealer?"

They shake their heads.

"You're right, we gotta get some life into our lives. Here, watch this."

They both move over to the side of the roof.

Hampton takes out his wallet, picks out two one dollar bills, then puts one back and throws the other over the side.  They watch it flutter.to the street.

"Look at those people running for that dollar."

They both laugh, their bellies jiggle.

"I got some money stashed,  Caymans, real money, off the books."

"Yeah," says Newport. "I got some too, a lot really, nobody knows about."  He pulls out his cell phone.  "My guy, Boston, takes care of my money.  Everything hand written in a book.  Nothing is on the computer, so nobody can hack into it."  He whispers to Hampton .  "About hundred twenty million."

Hampton raises his eyes brows. "I could probably come up with about that."

They sit back down and look at each other. 

"Why not?  Lets spend it.  Doing us no good in somebody's book.  Something exciting."

"Let's buy a football team," says Hampton "I like it when the TV shows the owners in their box, all excited about the game and their team, announcers talking about them, all proud to know them."

"Boston?" says Newport into his phone.  "Newport here. We want to buy a football team. Me and Hampton.  What's for sale?"

Silence.

"Yeah, no joke. It's me.  No, I'm sober."  They both laugh, their bellies jiggle. "Looking for some excitement.  You got my real money, so, how much for some NFL team. We want to go big. Let's buy the Redskins."

Newport's face turns pink.

"Washington Redskins...WHAT?  $1.2 billion.  BILLION?  What?"

The both blink, and breath deeply.  Billion?  And blink again. 

"The Cowboys, $1.8 billion?  New York Jets are what? $1.1 billion.  The Chargers?  Only $907 million?"    

More blinking.

Hampton watches the two young girls, naked, swim past on their backs. They smile; lots of teeth.  Hampton sighs heavily.  Well, they're almost naked. 

"Maybe, some team like the Raiders, little less? They're real exciting, right?  $761 million?  YIKES.  That much?"

Hampton gulps at his Martini.

"No, Boston. It's been a while since I've actually been to a game.  WHAT?"  He turns to Hampton,  "Average cost to take the family of four to an NFL game is, get this, $450. Good seats, beers, hot dogs, couple of foam fingers, parking.  Average $450,  That's the average."

Hampton waves his empty martini glass in the air. GQ in a tux trots over.

"What about Major League Baseball?  Maybe a little less?  Yankees? $1.7 billion?   Hey, the Pittsburgh Pirates are only about $400 million."

Hampton watches the two young ladies, naked, climb out of the pool, and shake out their long hair.  Hampton sighs heavily.  Well, they're almost naked.

"The Quad City River Bandits might still be for sale.  Minor league baseball in Davenport Iowa.
I don't know.?  I don't feel the excitement, Boston.  Really?

"Ice Hockey?" says Newport. "Hampton, we got it, the Ducks.  Ice Hockey.  $260 million.  That's close."

"Too cold," says Hampton.  "All that ice.  Warmth, that's why I live here in Vegas, come on."

"Milwaukee Bucks, basketball, $258 million.  It's a small market.  That might be fun.  We can do that."

"Cold, Newport.  Don't like cold.  Get something cheaper, a lot warmer, and I don't want to do any work.  I've done my heavy lifting, collecting rents all my life.  Excitement, Newport, and not too far from this chair, and my martinis."

He blows smoke.

"Remember, we want TV where they show the owners in the owners box."

"What about soccer?  A growing sport. There's excitement there, right?  Probably get one of them English teams cheap, gotta be round $200 million."

"WHAT?" says Newport.

"Manchester United,  $1.8 billion?  BILLION?  Liverpool, $822 million. New Castle United?  Never heard of them.  Hey, they're only $315 million?"

Then to Hampton, "You like soccer?" says Newport.

Hampton shrugs. "There's a ball and they kick it around, right. How come they're so expensive?"

GQ in a tux drops off  his Martini.

"Chennai Super Kings, part of the Indian Premier Cricket League, in the $50 million range.  Indian cricket? That could be fun, no?" 

"Newport, we're two really rich old guys, and you're telling me all we can afford is some cricket team in the middle of India. India?  Isn't that close to Afghanistan?  Oh boy."

"You'd think $250 million would get us on TV. We're poor, Hampton.  Boston, we got all this money and we can't find anything exciting.  Sorry, my man.  Call me if you find something cheap, and please, don't lose that book."

Newton hangs up.  "Know what he said? Go over to Santa Anita and pick up a $10,00 claimer, probably a lot more exciting than some Billion dollar football team."

Hampton watches the two young ladies, naked, wave from the other side of the pool. Matter of fact they are naked.  He sighs very very heavily.

Then he slowly gets up, gulps downs the martini, and walks toward the door. "Come on, Newport."

"See you later, guys." say the naked ladies, real friendly.  

Where we going?" says Newport.

"We're going to Santa Anita, to see a man about a horse, but first I gotta see if I can get my dollar bill back."