Wednesday, August 8, 2012

DOES GOLD MAKE YOU A STAR?

A High School, USA, two gymnasts, towels wrap around their middles, sit at their lockers.

"Four years from now, I'll be in Rio."

"What?" says the other.  "Harvey...Harvey...Harvey.  You?  In Rio."  He laughs, and looks over. "You're going to join the Army, and see the world, right?  Do we have bases in Brazil?"

"No, Olympics Gymnastic Team."  He twists his combination lock.

"You?" says the other.  "You're crazy.  Olympic Team?"

"Guys get Gold, why not me?"  He snaps open the lock.  "Look, Conway, I'm aware of dedication.  You wait, I'll be a Star."

"An Olympic Star, huh?  Olympic Team not good enough?  You want to be a Star?"

"I can do it. Why not me?"

"Harvey, Star status takes a Gold Medal, minimum.  Even a team Gold is almost impossible.  Your good, but Olympics?"

"I have devised a four year schedule of intense workouts, so I will peak at the precise moment."

"Gotta get on camera as much as you can to be a Star," says Lyle, another gymnast sitting near. "People have to know who you are.  It's a 24/7 commitment, Harvey.  Think you can do it."

"Well, okay, maybe not a Gold Medal, but I'll be on the Team." 

"If you want to be a Star, you'll have to do better than just making the Team.  They're Gold Medalists who aren't stars.  Team Gold doesn't always make you special either.  Who'll remembers the names of the Woman's Gymnastics Team?  They all won Gold." 

"Okay, so it's tough.  I get that." says Harvey.  He opens his locker, and pulls out underwear.

A large young man wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt comes around the lockers. "You, Harvey?  You?  Can't do it alone.  You need agents, trainers, managers, orthopedic surgeons, psychics, whatever.  And they don't come cheap either.  You got a rich uncle?  Financial benefactor?"

Harvey pulls out his pants. "Guess I'll have to it on my own.  Others have done it on their own, I'm sure."

Conway shakes his head, "Don't count on it."  He puts on his socks.

"It's not so much Gold," says Lyle.  "It's who they are, their story, how you feel when you see them.   Lolo Jones came in fourth in the hurdles, but I think she's a Star. 

"I can do that."  says Harvey.  He pulls up his jeans.

"You'll have to get a Life Coach, Harvey." says Conway. "Sorry,  but you gotta sound smart in front of the camera.  I'm being honest here, you want to be a Star.  Boring is death.  Nobody wants to hear canned speech.  Takes more than a medal."

Lyle stands by his locker.  He nods.  "It's true," he says.

"Look at Reese Hoffa.  A star?" says Conway.  He points his SmartPhone at Harvey.  A picture.  "He got a bronze in the shot put, but a star?  A real sincere sounding guy, but..."  He pokes at his phone.  "Do you know who this is?" Again he points his phone.  "Jenn Suhr, pole vaulter. She got Gold and is she a star?  There's a lot more to it."

"A Star?  It's all personality," says Che.  "You're a Star if the TV says you are.  Comes down to personality, and if big corporations think you can sell their stuff.  Gold Medal is a plus for sure, but being an Olympian is more than enough if they like you."

"Make the team first, Harvey " says Conway.

Another gymnast stops and listens.  "Sharapova.  There's a Star.  No Gold Medal, but I'll take her over any of those other Gold Medal types."

An older man with a whistle around his neck, sticks his head around the lockers. "Meeting guys.  Five minutes."

"Hey, coach.  Harvey here wants to Star in the Olympics. The one in Rio."

The coach stops.  He looks at Harvey.  "And...why not?  Eight hours a day in the gym, for four years.  Why not?  I'll be watching on TV."

"What makes an Olympic Star, coach," says Lyle. "Harvey wants to be a Star."

The coach puts his foot on the bench, and leans over.  "A star, huh?   Missy Franklin,  Phelps, Usain Bolt, and those two volleyball girls, the one whose husband catches for the Dodgers."  He rubs his jaw.  "Being a Star is more than Gold.  You have to be recognizable.  That lady who won the skeet shooting?  I don't even know what she looks like, much less her name.  She got Gold.  And the guy who won the steeplechase, doing that dance, after he won Gold.  Legit Stars of the Games?  I don't think so." 

"Why then don't these people hire a voice coach, or an acting coach?" says Conway. "There's so much money to be made after the Olympics.  Dwight Stones, I don't know if he's got Gold, but he's always around when there is a televised track meet."

"Personally, I like the happy, friendly people," says Coach Burnett.  "Not the ones that look so serious.  It's supposed to be a fun time for them. That's why they call them Games.  I get enough serious looks from Administration Types already."  He smiles.  They all smile back.

"I hate watching people that seem...I don't know...unfriendly." says Lyle.   "Usain Bolt.  He's a Star.  A real Star.  Just be like him, Harvey."

"Popularity of the sport, too Coach," says Che.  "Track and Field, Swimming, Gymnastics, all good.  Equestrian, Badminton, Canoeing, not so much.   It's TV exposure.  You see someone so many times they becomes stars?  The announcer says you're great a thousand times, you're great."

"So guys..." says the coach.  "We've got four years to talk about this."

They all stand, close their locker doors, and heft their backpacks.

"Harvey, you want to talk about Rio, my door's always open. Gotta start now.  But...most Olympic Gymnasts started at about six years old."

"I've been doing this since I was about ten."

"Oh my God," says the coach.  He slaps his forehead.  "You didn't start until you were...ten?"  He laughs, and they high five.

"Okay, guys, Meeting." he says.

As the team meanders off toward the meeting room, Coach Burnett leans over to Harvey.  "Harvey, if you're good enough, we'll work on all the other stuff later.  Just stay excited about it.  That's all.  We'll have this discussion again in a year or so. We'll see how you feel about it then."

They walk out together.

"Be an exciting person, " says the coach.  He looks down.   "You know what I mean, a person everybody wants to be around.  That'll get you further in life than your gymnastic career.  Trust me."  Then he says, "But, hey, being an Olympian, well, that won't hurt either."  



Sunday, August 5, 2012

CELEBRATING THE OLYMPICS IN STYLE

It's Saturday.  A man in a suit, loosens his tie and walks into the Wild Cherry Tree Pub. 

"Top of the morning, mate."


The man stops.  He takes a few seconds for his eyes to adjust.  He blinks, then waves to the bartender.
 
"Well," he says. "Sounds like you're from England.  Makes sense, this being a Pub and all."

"Well, not exactly," says the bartender.  "I'm from Sco-lun.  Glasgow Killbride.  Management figured I was close enough.  Who in Studio City knows the difference between a Sco-ish Brogue, and some bloke from Liverpool.  They gave me this Manchester United Jersey, so I'm good to go."

The man removes two one hundred dollar bills from his wallet, and tosses them on the bar.  "That should cover it."

Glasgow smiles.  "All depends, mate.  What is it you're gonna be 'avin?"

"I'm Wayne. Wayne Wheeler."  He looks up a the Plasma Screens above the bar.  "I came to drink to the Olympics.  You know, while I watch.  I got all day."

"Well, Wayne Wheeler.  What'll you 'ave?"

Wayne holds up a piece of paper.  "Here's my drinking menu."

It's torn, stained, and folded flat from his back pocket.

Unfolded, their heads together, they look it over.

"So," says Wayne.  "Your best Tequila, and a shot glass.  This is how I'm going to celebrate."

"Our best?" says Glasgow.

"Hey, Olympics only comes around every four years. Why not." He pushes the bills across the bar.

"I'll have to update this menu.  There isn't much swimming left."

Two men at the bar see the menu.   Wayne holds it up.  "I'm celebrating the Olympics."  He holds out his hand.  "I'm Wayne."

"I'm Lou," says Lou.  "And this is Bud."

Both read the menu, look up at Wayne, then at each other, and in unison, "We're in," they say.  "Sounds like fun."

"But we have to update this," says Bud.  "Let's say, a shot every time there's a Visa Commercial.  You okay with that?"

"Why not," says Wayne.  "Hey, it's on right now.  We gotta do a shot."

Glasgow is back.  "Okay guys, I got shot glasses, three."  He pours.

And they do their shots, heads back, eyes tight, teeth grinding.

Wow, Oh man, and Haaaa, say the three.  Their eyes water.

"That was...WAIT," says Wayne.  He points.  "There's Phelps.  Another shot."

Glasgow pours, and again, Oh my GOD, Whew, That's what I'm...cough..talking about.

"Let's add to this list," says Lou.  "Every time they show some family member, you know, Mom or Dad...look, right there, Reece Hoffa's Mom, we sip some beer.  We can't do shots every time, we'll get hammered way too fast."

"Okay," say Wayne.  "Glasgow my man."  He teeters on his stool a tad as he waves.  "We each need glasses of beer.  Something English."

"We got Newcastle, Boddington’s Pub Ale, an I think we 'ave some Fuller's London Porter in the back.  How about Guinness Draught, from Dublin. How about that?"

"Guinness it is," says Wayne.  He grabs the menu.  "There, they're showing Missy Franklin, yes, yes, a new world record."  He points, they look.  "Shots for World Records.  Here, I'll pour."

And again, Haaa, Oooo, and Yikes, and again their eyes water.  Tears for Wayne.

"I'll get another bottle of Tequila, Gran Patron," says Glasgow.  "Be right back, and the Guinness."

Two young men belly up.  "Hi, guys.  Olympic celebration?  We couldn't help but notice, all this tequila..."

"Join us," says Wayne.  He again points.  "I'm Wayne, this is Bud and Lou. 

"Well, I'm the Naked Trucker," says Trucker.  "This is T-Bones.  So...?" 

"Wayne here has an Olympic Drinking..."

"A Visa Commercial," says Bud.  "Sip time," just as Glasgow arrives with reinforcements.

Glasgow pours and they swig, the Naked Trucker and T-bones included. 

"Look, there's Phelps' Mom."  More tequila, and another bottle from the back.

Fast Forward, you get the idea, with flash backs of hops on the landings, something about the U.S.S.R, more of Michael Phelps,  and the cell phoning of friends about free tequila shots, at the Wild Cherry Tree Pub where it's S.R.O., where people point, and yell, and...wait...
Another Visa Commercial!  Sip of Guinness

"...biggest race of his life..."  Sip of Guinness.

"There, Bela Karolyi with his mouth shut.  That deserves a shot."  Gran Patron.

Glasgow is back with armfuls of alcohol.  "Should I make some coffee?"

"Oops," says someone. "I took a shot by mistake,"  and laughs.

"I just got back from the bathroom." "You gotta catch up, two more shots."

Wayne lays his head on the bar, and tries unsuccessfully to sip his Guinness sideways. Mistake.  Then feels the floor against his face.

Glasgow comes around the bar.  "I'll need your Visa Card..."

"He said Visa.  Everybody, take a shot..."

...Your cash ran out...and..." says Glasgow.

Two fingers, he fishes out Wayne's wallet, pulls out the card, moves back, and swipes it through the register.  $2,687.00 and counting. 

"...Did he say Phelps?"  Doesn't matter.  They drink.

"...Hey, that's somebody's father in the stands.  Whose?"  Doesn't matter.  They drink.

"...He said Romania.  That's close to U.S.S.R."  Doesn't matter.  They drink.

So, it's Saturday, at the Wild Cherry Tree Pub, and a crowd is getting blind drunk.  Guinness Draught, Gran Patron, and Plasma TVs.  Now isn't that the way we should all be celebrating the 2012 London Olympic Games?
......................................

Help comes from:
cheezburger.com/6478253056,
maxim.com/sports/olympic-drinking-games,
reuters.com/london-olympics-2012, Readabilityformulas.com
http://www.survivingcollege.com/happy-olympics-london-2012-olympics-drinking-game/ (Larger Menu)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

OLYMPIC DOPERS BEWARE

"Please.  You got to be kidding me.  You want to do it in a Drive Thru?" asks Stella.

"Sure, babe," says Stanley.  "You said YES.  So.  Why not?"

"I was thinking more, you know, like I'd be wearing a white dress, and well, my sister would be here with champagne, and I'd have somebody to give me away."  She looks out the window.  "Not this?"

The sign on the side of the small building says, 'Welcome to Vegas.  Time 1:05 am. Temp 114 degrees.'

Stanley negotiates the U-Drive, and pulls the F-100 up to the Menu Board.  It gives prices.  Regular, (for the Veteran).  Special, (for the Second or Third Timer).   Deluxe, (for all you Newbies).

Stanley speaks into a plastic Wedding Cake.

"Hey, what's the difference between the regular and the special...you know...besides the price..."

"We throw in flowers." says a tired voice.  "It's a good deal, really."

"We'll take it." says Stanley.

"Flowers?  Hope they're roses, not lilies,"  says Stella.
  
"We gotta get this over with quick, 'cause I gotta catch a plane."

She looks over.  " A what?  You're leaving me...a plane?  What's going on here, Stanley?"

"Stella, honey, I told you.  I'm in the Olympics.  Shot Putter.  I told you, remember?"

"You're a big guy, but I thought it was just a line, to get me in the sack.  After fifteen, sixteen tequila shots, I tend to forget...UMMPH!"

A tremendous jolt shakes them both.  A huge black SUV with shaded windows slams into their rear, rocking the chassis.

Up front another SUV, in reverse, roars backwards toward them.  It skids to within a hair.

"We're trapped. What is going on?" says Stanley.

The Reverend, in pajamas, sticks his head out the 'Pick-Up' Window.  "You seem to be in some trouble, son?  Sure you're not already married?"

Men in black suits, dark glasses, stern faces, jump out of the SUV's, wildly waving badges, Helter-Skelter.

"Mr. Kowalski?  Stanley Kowalski?  Come with us, now,  please."  U.S.A.D.A. on his cap.
 
"He's ours.  We were here first." says the other.  He wares W.A.D. on his cap.  "I got my cup right here."  He waves a Dixie Cup.

"Hey guys," says Stanley. "This is really a bad time.  Can't you see?  I'm getting married here."

"What...is...going...on...Stanley?  This is getting scary.  Tell me you're not mixed up in drugs."  She slaps her forehead.  "I fell for a drug dealer.  This isn't happening."  She opens her door. "I can't do this."   Her breathing is heavy.
 
"Wait.  Stella.  It's a drug check, sweety.  Nothing to worry about.  I'm clean."

 "It was too good to be true. I knew it."  She's out the door.

"Stella.  Steeellllaaaa!"

 "Come on Stan," says W.A.D. "You knew this was coming.  You could be on the operating table, past out drunk, or in a coma.  You get tested.  We have no choice.  You want a clean Olympics, you have to have surprise drug tests.  We had an old marathoner who was ready to be cremated, but we did the test.  Who knew, he could wake up.  You never know."

"Sweetie." Stanley waves to her.  "I gotta go with these guys.  I'm really sorry." He squeezes out the door.  He spots the Reverend in his pajamas.  "Got a bathroom in this place."

He points toward the mountains.  "The Shell Station at the corner.  Hey, you coming back soon, 'cause we got this Sunrise Elvis Theme reception..."

"Official business, Sir," says W.A.D., plastic cup in one hand, badge in the other.  "Unless you want to impede an official investigation."

"Dearly Beloved!  No way I'm going to jail."  He jumps back, palms up.
 
Stella runs off toward the street, chased after by the U.S.A.D.A.

 The W.A.D. suit yells.  "I'll get samples for the both of us.  I'll buy him a beer if he needs it."

U.S.A.D.A. waves, then darts after Stella.   "Ma'am...come back...Mrs. Kowalski...Miss... Mrs.... whatever.  Please stop.  Let me explain."

She stops and turns around.  "What's to explain.  Why do I always fall for losers?"

"Ma'am. You got Stanley all wrong.  He's an Olympian.  A Shot Putter.  We have to test him for performance enhancing drugs, that all.  Human Growth Hormones.  Doping."

"So," says Stella.  "He was telling me the truth.  Guys coming up to me all the time, all kinds of stories, me pole dancing eight times a week, twice on Sunday.  But Stanley..."  She looks toward the far mountains.  "He was different."  She blinks.

"The count down for London started last July.  I'm with the U. S. Anti-Doping Agency.  The other guy is with the World Anti-Doping Agency.  Every potential Olympian has to be in the drug-testing pool for at least one year before the Games.  I did LaBron last week.  They have to strip down right in front of you and you have to watch them...

"Well...we can't have any cheating, now can we?  The credibility of the Olympic Games is at stake.  This is very important."

"So Stanley isn't a scumbag." she says, a smiles on his face.

"Every athlete gives us what's called a Whereabouts.  It tells us where they are.  And an hour window for testing.  We make surprise tests, any day we want.  We have about the same power as a bounty hunter.  Stanley told us he'd be here in Vegas, and he gave us a midnight to one o'clock time for testing. 

"If he misses three tests in an 18 month period, he's suspended from competition for two years.  We don't want that."

"So Stanley's not a drug dealer?"  says Stella, tears in her eyes.

"Last night he told us he might be getting married. He was real good about that."  He laughs. "We surprised one pole vaulter at a hotel in Kansas City, in bed with a hook...er...well.

"We had one guy, a diver.  A surprise exam, so we go to his house, find out he's at the hospital with kidney stones.  You never heard such crazy screaming in your life.  No blood test, had to be Pee."  The man laughs again.  "We let him take the test the next day."

"So Stanley's not going to prison." says Stella, her arms in the air.

"And we keep the samples, whether its Pee or Blood, for eight years.  We're just about finished checking the 2004 Olympics for any problems.  Dopers we didn't have the technology to catch back then.

"Right now we're looking at this 16-year-old woman Chinese swimmer, Ye Shiwen, who swam faster than the male world record holder at the same distance. Very interesting.  It never ends for us."

Then Stella spots Stanley coming around the F-100.

He sees her.

The chaplain, head out the window, "Stanley Kowalski do you take Stella..."

"I do!  I do!"  He runs toward her.

"And do you, Stella..."

"I do!  I do!"  She runs toward him.

They Collide like Fireworks.

The two Doping Officials, snap lids on their plastic Dixie Cups, check their GPS, wave, and screech off after their next assignment.

"So...With the power invested in me by the Great State of Nevada, I pronounce you husband and wife. So...Congratulations.  Please, just pay at the window here.  And remember, cash only.  We don't take checks."
................................

Help comes from:
msnbc.msn.com/id/48438898#.UBneg6Adxdg, readabilityformulas.com,
cnn.com/2012/08/01/sport/olympics-drugs-pound-shiwen/index.html,
i4u.com/2012/08/jonathan-weber/testing, Olympics/WikiPedia, thesaurus.com/